The Global Perils of Christmas

In news worthy of the Onion, here are a few stories circulating around the world about the global perils of Christmas:

1. According to a recent survey of Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas, just under one-third of all Santas have been urinated on by children, 60 percent have been coughed and sneezed on, and close to 90 percent have had their beard pulled. (Link).

2. In South Carolina, a drunk Santa Claus was charged with kidnapping after he drove away with an 8-year-old girl on his motorcycle. Santa was pumping gas when the girl jumped into the sidecar to pet the stuffed reindeer. Santa was arraigned in an orange jumpsuit and described his conduct as very naughty. (Link).

3. The Santa Claus in Refrewshire has been forced to wear a hard hat after being pelted with mince pies. Reportedly “yobs” launched the hail of pastry missiles from an upper level of the Paisley Centre in Renfrewshire as he was handing out treats to customers. The staff added antlers to the hard hats to “Christmas it up a bit.” (Link).

4. The recent Christmas parade in Nova Scotia was ruined when youth attacked Santa Claus with ice. He was hit in the ribs and had the wind knocked out of him. In previous parades in New Waterford, Santa has been attacked with rocks, eggs, and snowballs. Authorities report that Santa was lucky he didn’t poke his eye out. (Link).

5. In Santa Barbara, the 45-foot town Christmas tree was attacked by a “grinch” wielding a hand saw. The tree is in danger of falling and hitting passing cars and buildings. (Link).

6. The Santa Claus in Londonderry was attacked for being a fraud. He was punched and kicked by a gang of youth who yelled, “You’re no Santa Claus, there is no Santa Claus!” (Link).

7. The pastor of the Christmas Lutheran Church of Bethlehem reports that the situation in the little town of Bethlehem is getting worse by the day. He said that if Jesus were born today he would be born on one side of the checkpoint, the shepherds could not see him from the other side of the checkpoint, and the three Magi would be denied entrance into the Holy Land because they are from Iran. (Link).

8. Skeptics are rewriting history and now argue that the true Santa is naughty not nice. They describe him as judgmental, obese and lazy, prone to aliases, flouting workers’ rights, abusing animals, addicted to cocaine and tobacco, and generally a lawless rogue. (Link).